I think I will start with a little background on myself from the professional standpoint. I work in higher education and have almost 10 years of experience with students in one capacity or another. Over the past few years, the habits of generations have changed, and the largest thing that I have noticed is more involvement from parents. This involvement of parents is often referred to as "helicopter parents." Throughout my studies on this topic and my own experiences, I have firmly come to believe that as a "helicopter," a message is sent to the students or children that they are not capable of doing things on their own, unless that parent is right there to correct it or fix it for you. As someone in higher education, I literally dread interacting with these "helicopters." I want to work with the student directly because it is his/her education and s/he should take charge of his/her own college career. This topic alone can be controversial, but stay with me for a moment.
As I have been going through this medical journey, I have often seen fellow spouses and significant others wanting to be helpful to their students, particularly during fourth year when out-rotations are being scheduled and applications for residencies are in process. I hear of spouses and significant others being the ones to set up out-rotations, making the phone calls, being the ones to talk to the multitude of programs. And, I ask you . . . Are you being a "helicopter" spouse or significant other?
Let's take this a step further . . . Have you ever considered how this supposed helping may portray your student to the possible rotation site or internship/residency program? Are they thinking the same thing that I'm thinking when I talk to my "helicopter" parents . . . Why the heck isn't this student taking charge of this situation him/herself? Is s/he not capable? How much is this truly helping the student to be a responsible citizen if s/he is having Mom or Dad do everything? Are the prospective programs thinking . . . Why is this med student having someone else do his/her dirty work? Is s/he incapable of doing it? Will s/he be able to handle our program? As an intern or resident, a doctor in training needs to be able to handle many, many details at once, including the paperwork and phone calls that come with it. S/he is not even able to multitask as a student!
This may be taking it a bit to the extreme, but I want to leave you with these thoughts. You may be thinking you are helping your student or intern/resident; however, you may ultimately be hindering them with the unspoken message that is being portrayed. In a competitive world, do you really want to take this chance?!?
As a spouse or significant other, what is your opinion on this topic? How about from the doctor or student doctor perspective? Are these actions helping or hindering?
For more information on helicopter parenting, you can visit Wikipedia or read this TIME magazine article. In fact, The Examiner has a great article featuring the above comic with ways to determine if you are hovering and how you may be more helpful. It is meant for parents, but can easily be applied to us as spouses or significant others supporting the (student) doctors!
12 comments:
I completely agree with you Tiff! I have seen so many "helper" spouses throughout this journey and I too have thought- what are you doing?!?!?!?! It is part of the process and they need to be the one to take care of it. IMO- I have way to much to take care and just don't have the time to do those things for my husband.
Same thing with loans- they are in his name and therefore they are his responsibility!
In our marriage- I took over everything,(bills, shopping, money, house, kids, etc.) once he started med school. I have enough responsibility with my house, finances, work and two kids!
You have make a really great point! Thanks for sharing and bringing this point out for discussion.
Jodie ... I am so glad to hear that I am not alone in my opinion on this one! I'm curious what others have to think, too! :)
Oh goodness I agree with you. I am not in higher education, but in secondary and elementary education, and my worst experiences have been with helicopter parents. To a certain degree it's different, since a kid in 5th grade can only take so much control of their education, but it is multiplied tenfold on this level since the parents are given a little bit of control... give an inch, they take a mile.
AS SUCH, I have absolutely nothing to do with any planning of any sort in regards to C's medical training. I have only ever spoken to one residency program and that's because we were on vacation together when they called him into interview. We dropped everything and went. Other than that- I prefer to let his professional life be HIS professional life. I have enough to be in charge of with my own job and life, much less to micro-manage his. C is a competent and capable adult, and he doesn't need my help in this area.
Because I DO want to be a supportive spouse, other areas I have found to "help" in are: keeping the house clean(er), making dinner (aka: learning to cook), helping coordinate non-medical related travel/vacations/whatever. And even these- I don't do all the time. I think helper spouses are just misguided in what they should be "helping" with.
medicalwife ... Thank you for stopping by! And, thank you for your comments! I love that you posted other helping tasks that we can help with as spouses or significant others. There is plenty of things for us to do or be in charge of, as you demonstrated in your examples. We don't need to manage another grown adult too ... especially one who is perfectly capable of doing so themselves. They wouldn't have made it this far if they weren't able to!
From the doctor/med student perspective: Don't do it. There are many other ways to be a supportive spouse that do not include calling programs or setting up rotations. Be supportive at home but be hands off when it comes to actual work. Just the idea of this makes me cringe.
WELL.... I have taken a few weeks to digest this post before commenting.
I totally understand what you are saying.
But--- my thoughts are pretty different.
I have been the main one to research residency programs, make a list of ones that I think are a good fit for him/our family and get him the contact information he needs. I have spell checked his personal statement and made rewording suggestions that he can take or leave. I have quizzed him on interview questions. I have reminded him of deadlines. I have networked with tons of other spouses and physicians to explore their thoughts and advice on programs. This has all been done while he is working 15 hour days on surgery, nephrology, and 24 hours OB shifts.
Why is my assistance any different than the office assistant, PAs and nurses who will be taking care of the "dirty work" in his office one day? He will NEVER be expected to do his own taxes, scheduling, billing when he is a practicing physician.
Likewise, although 90% of the finances, cleaning, child rearing is done by me, as is 90% of the medical journey done by him, I EXPECT his help in all areas too. We are a team. And when we both have input and understand of what the other is going through and is hands on about it all, we stay connected.
I can't ever say what kind of parents I will be in 8 years as my kids go off to college, but I can say my strong assistance to my man has made us a strong couple, and he is happy with it, and each couple is different and cannot compare themselves to anyone else.
Thanks for the thought-provoking discussion!!!
Dr. Army Wife ... Wow! You said that so much better than I did! :)
Mandy, The Mother of All Chaos ... Thank you so much for your thoughts! I agree with you that a number of the examples you gave are great ways to help our students and doctors behind the scenes. I firmly believe that feedback on personal statements, proofing, and interview practice is key to success. However, the point that I was really working at is when a spouse calls the residency programs, sets up the rotations, etc. They need to be their own advocate or the potential programs may get the message that they are not able to do the work themselves. As an intern and resident, they are tested to their limits, they are expected to do all of the grunt work. It is part of the journey whether we like it or not, and I firmly believe that it is there for a reason. Med students (before and after) must prove themselves and this grunt work is something that will make the more successful doctor in the long run. They will have experienced it, will be better able to relate, and can truly empathize (not just sympathize) with a situation or person.
In the end, I will help him with the application process ... by proofing his work and providing feedback, NOT completing it for him or writing his personal statement. I will ensure that his home is cared for, the bills are paid, and his children are taken care of. BUT, I will NOT speak on his behalf where it may end up causing more harm then good. I believe boundaries need to exist and I believe that they can and will create a stronger doctor in the long run.
This has me thinking of my next post! Be watching for it! And, thank you again! :)
SDW ... I firmly believe that everyone's situation is different and you need to make the best decisions for your family. However, I'm just curious ... You say that it is thanks to you that your husband is so successful, but yet you are not the one doing the work for him in his classes. You are not the one doing those long hours in clinicals. And, you are not the one that is ultimately going to be interviewed by internship and residency programs. It sounds to me like you need to give your husband more credit as he has earned much of this himself. And, I'm also curious ... if you don't want to continue helicoptering, why do you continue to do so? Does this put stress on your relationship? Does this help your husband in any way in the long run? As we have recently discovered from a family in my husband's program, we will not be around forever. And, you will want to watch those feelings of bitterness. They tend to increase during the training years, particularly during PGY's for many!
One last comment before signing off on this response ... one side effect of helicoptering is doubt. It is very possible that though he may be confident now with this situation, have you ever wondered if this doubt could overflow into his work life when he is constantly being pimped, very likely making mistakes, and once again at the bottom of the hierarchy as an intern. If that doubt in his abilities outside of medicine were to ever catch in his work life, this could prove to be detrimental to his career. In the end, how much are you helping and how much may you actually be hindering him in the long run? It may be a softer fall now than it will be in residency or as a practicing physician. Which would you rather deal with?
I do believe that a balance is good (and it looks different for everyone), but let's not forget who the doctor(-in-training) is here and who is the supporter!
I have decided to delete my previous comments because I felt like I was making too big of a deal out of this. I wasn't reflecting our situation accurately.
On your list of DO's and DON'TS, I do most all of he DO's and half of one of the DON'Ts. Is that considered "helicoptering"? I don't think so, but I am VERY involved. It is what works for us, and I don't feel bad about it.
Thank you for these posts. I realize you were trying to be helpful. It sparked a conversation between my husband and I that was kind of enlightening on both our parts!
I am beyond proud of my husband. We (obviously) would not be where we are without his important role. We wouldn't be where we are without my important role, either. We are a team. Period.
SDW ... You have brought up a very good point! When I write posts like this, I do try to be helpful! I want us to be able to view topics and situations from all different perspectives! My perspective is not necessarily right or wrong, and neither is those who respond! I think the really important point is that we are thinking and discussing these topics!
Every relationship works differently. What will work for one couple may not work for another. Through conversation and discussion, particularly with our spouse or significant other, I think that we grow stronger, both as an individual and as a team! You should be proud of your husband and yourself! You are a team!
I truly appreciate your comments on this post, every single one of them! They got me to thinking and conversations took place in my own home because of them! I am bummed that you deleted them because I think that they could prove to be helpful to others. BUT, it is your choice and I will respect that!
Thank you for the discussion! I hope you continue to come back and share your thoughts! In fact, if you wish to do a guest post, I would love to have you! :)
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