--Cue Elevator Music--
Now that we are all refreshed and on the same page, let's move on to where I wanted to now take this conversation. Instead of talking around this issue, let's talk about practical ideas of what is helpful and what may have the potential of being harmful. I always like to end with a positive, so let's start with the latter.
THE DON'TS
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| When a doc can manage their own schedule, everyone wins! |
- Do NOT write a personal statement or complete applications in any way or form. Your student or doctor-in-training needs his/her voice and personality to shine through in written form. If you do it, then there will be a disconnect when it comes to interview time.
- Do NOT call potential medical schools, internships, residencies, or practices for information.
- Do NOT attempt to schedule elective rotations via phone or email contacts.
- Do NOT take care of every single thing around the house. Leave something for the student or doctor-in-training to take care of. (Many may gasp at this one, but keep reading because I address this one in more detail below!)
THE DO'S
- DO assist your student or doctor-in-training behind the scenes to enhance an application. This can mean proofing and providing feedback on his/her written work.
- DO quiz your spouse or significant other for upcoming interviews. Google common interview questions and start throwing questions out there at random times of the day. Not only will this ready him/her for the interviews, but it will also prepare for "pimping" during the training years!
- Do your research! This journey is not just about the doctor, but the entire family. The decisions can affect each and every member of the household. You can research the programs, but this can probably be more effectively done by the student or doctor-in-training him/herself because it is his/her day-to-day experiences. You, on the other hand, will be experiencing everything else on a daily basis . . . the city, the job possibilities (if applicable), the things to do when s/he is gone for endless hours/days/weeks at a time. ALL of this will be an important piece of the puzzle when trying to figure out the next step!
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| An example dish created by my Doctor Chef! |
- DO your household chores ... but, do NOT do them all as I mentioned above! And, this is why ... You want to make sure that there is still a place for him/her at home. Don't do everything so that s/he does not feel that there is no longer a place for him/her. This "leftover" stuff may be small, but the message will be so very important. (At our house, my husband cooks whenever he has the chance. He loves to cook and it can serve as his stress relief. And, the added bonus ... I don't like to cook!)
- DO involve the student or doctor-in-training in as much stuff as possible, even s/he is gone. With the long hours of a resident, my husband is rarely home, so he tends to miss a lot of stuff with our children. Therefore, turn those absences into new opportunities! On those long days and nights, I still send lots of pictures and texts and leave voice messages for him to listen to when he has the chance. It could just be the kids making funny faces. It could be the kids telling Daddy good night. It could even be just boring notes that incorporates him/her into the daily life and allows the feeling of being a part of even the little things.
These are just a few things that I can come up with. Now, it is your turn. Do you have any thoughts to add to what I have listed? Would you add anything to the list yourself for either a DO or a DON'T?
3 comments:
I would disagree with calling residencies, fellowships, etc about information. Sometimes the student/resident cannot make day time phone calls because they are too busy and miss chances to find out about the different options. It is important to know many things about the places you are looking at, and sometimes the spouse knows different questions to ask that could affect the whole family. Things like location, school districts, day care, etc.
Just my two cents...as a spouse that gathers most of the info for my hubby and reports back to him with my findings :-)
I like this list and agree with it. I went back and read the rest of the comments on the previous post. Based on some of the later ones, I'm glad you made this list. When I said in my comment previous that I let my husband's professional life be HIS professional life, I didn't mean to sound as if I don't help. I have helped, often, in a variety of ways. I DO proofread/edit his personal statements and papers. My husband, bless his soul, is amazing at science but often sucks at English. I DID give my input on where I wanted to go for residency, but also told him that ultimately it was his career and I didn't want him to have any regrets because he went with what I THOUGHT we should do rather than what he wanted to pursue. My input weighed heavily, but it wasn't THE input. Finally- I always quizzed him through med school. Before every shelf exam third year. Before Step 2. I'm sure I will before he takes Step 3 this fall.
When I say his career is HIS career, I mean he is the one who manages it. He makes the phone calls and sends the emails. He makes the appointments. He tells me where he is interested in going, and I then research the places he is interested in and go back to him to tell him my personal preferences about his choices. I let him run the show, while I run things backstage- editing, giving my opinions on his writing or where he wants to apply for residency/fellowships, quizzing him to help him prepare for tests, giving him mock interview questions (totally did this before his first residency interview).
This is what works for us though. I can't imagine doing it any other way, but I KNOW that everyone's circumstances are different and therefore call for different ways of doing things.
the4bulls ... I'm really curious if those you are calling will have a different reaction to you vs your husband though! Do you think this could have had an adverse affect on his opportunities? I'm speaking from my experiences of working with students in higher education, and I can tell you that I answer questions differently if I'm talking to the messenger!
medicalwife ... I literally had to laugh out loud when you mentioned your husband being so horrible at English! I can relate soooo much in that area!! I think that is one reason we balance each other so well! As for the rest of your comments, I did many of the same things with my husband. However, many of our decisions are not solely based on him ... and he encourages that. These 8 years of our lives is more than just about him. We (myself and our two children) have to live it as well. The way he sees it, he has to do what is best not only for his career, but also for his family. He still wants to have both 20 years down the road (and this is really his philosophy on the matter)! He also likes to phrase it as ... If the wife is not happy, the entire family is not happy. That is not a very productive or supportive learning environment! We are rare in these opinions, so I like to encourage everyone to do what is best for them! It may or may not be the same as us. BUT, I also like to challenge everyone on how some of our behaviors can be viewed. Hence, the reasons for these posts!! :)
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